My Feelings These Days

Hey,

Today I thought of writing down how I've been feeling recently and it is sort of depressing. You may quit reading if you aren't into these kind of stuff today

usually I refrain myself from depressing stuff so I understand if you skip this post

To give a quick background, I never knew what life is and where it is taking me. Everything to me was a spontaneous surprise and maybe I got lucky all the times to get through with it.

When in school my definition of success was being able to do anything and everything which I followed and have it in me; but once school was over I realized I was wrong it was the academics which should have gotten more importance within my to-do list and since I failed to realize it, I had to admit myself in a C-grade college after having failed in getting recommended in NDA

Batch : N-NDA-68081 24SSB

Perhaps I was lucky that the C-grade college I thought to be of C-grade was a C in everything else but academics; we had world class faculties. By this time I had found a love interest who happened to be a topper

like getting photo on the front page of news paper for securing AIR-5 kind of topper

I've always been competitive

even now I wish to challenge myself in everything a human body could possibly do

so deep down I knew only way I have a chance with her is when I have a promising career and outstanding academic qualification.

It was an established fact that the competition was not enough for me at my C-grade college

because the batch I came from had world class students who are performing great now in their respective fields

so I decided my benchmark would be securing a perfect 100/100 in my favorite subjects to begin with

which still requires some efforts regardless of competition

I set my goals and did achieved it; Maths (100/100 in two consecutive semesters), Physics (96/100) my highest ever, Computer Programming & related subjects (95+/100)

not to mention, I scored 68/100 in 12th Physics and I can blame it on faculties because I started understanding Physics when I happened to find an amazing faculty in my so called C-grade college

The next challenge was getting work after college and like I mentioned C-grade in everything else; it also included placements

we had literally not even a single placement drive

But fortunately our college did make sure of getting us into good internships; I worked with an IT consulting company in Hyderabad where I picked my key skills of industry which helped me bag a job within no time along with family support

technically I sat 20 days at home after I finished my college and didn't had a job

Life happened, initially I worked my ass off to establish myself and create my brand value which didn't seem to pay off for first 1.5 years then all of a sudden by the start of 2nd year I got a good hike which justified all my endeavours so far

my self assessment evaluates me at a higher brand value backed with data, but it'd only happen if I move to a bigger stage

And comes holi/diwali every year and so came Diwali 2019, I didn't go home

usually prefer less chaos so always visit my parents a month before of after some occasion

Everyone posted images on social media with family & friends and all I did was observe them trying to step into their shoes and feel how they felt.

Every parent was proud of their kin, every brother/sister were proud of their siblings.
My parents were happy too, my brother seemed to enjoy as well but why do I see a stark difference as if the happiness my parents are having is not up to the level of others; they are happy for me but why do I feel they are not as proud as other parents are ?

Everytime a festival comes I get into depression as to what is that element everyone has got but me.
Money can be one factor, I am still in a growing stage but have decent income to take care of all my needs.

... and thirst for money will never be satisfied

All the memories come back flashing before my eyes;
I failed in school

because true definition of success in school was to stand first in academics

I failed in love

gave it my all but couldn't step up in career fast and mutual feelings didn't lasted long

I think I am failing in career as well

because I'm bored now, there is nothing I am learning as a Software Engineer in my current organization

For long there has been a void in my heart and am not able to figure out the root cause of it.
I thought maybe it was money but after getting handsome hike it still was there;
I thought maybe it was love, but I am not even bothered about having anyone beside me;

I comfort myself by playing cricket on sundays, practicing guitar every now and then, watching movies/cartoon I love & eating everything that entices me

boku wa foodie datte bayo

but all of it is temporary.
The moment I'm done doing it brings me back to square 1.

I do get a feeling that this is not what I'm cut out for and that I should push my limits physically and mentally doing things that fascinate me like teaching, training and meditating. But then I haven't secured a passive income to fund myself.

I hoped to find an answer by writing this post; and maybe I have a brief idea.

Say if I didn't had to worry about income, I could do anything I want.

Hate to admit everything came down to money and power. I wish if there was more to it than money but I'll be in a position to comment once I do have a lot of money. Philosophy doesn't suits on broke.

Guess I have my answer now.


Bye!